Sorry, not sorry

life, relationships, Uncategorized

From the perspective of the human mind and the limiting capabilities of people, “I’m sorry” can be so cliche.

I’m sorry does not take back the words you said.

I’m sorry does not heal the bruises.

I’m sorry does not mend the mind.

I’m sorry does not make the mistakes go away…even when you repeat them.

I’m sorry merely acknowledges the hurt caused by actions you CHOSE.

Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” —

live with integrity, choose positives actions from the start, stray from those things that will make you feel the need to say “I’m sorry.”

Dig Deep on Perspective

life

I’m mean. I’m selfish. I can be crass. I sometimes find pleasure in getting under people’s skin. I pressure people. I want what I want when I want it. Some might call me spoiled. Others might call me a bitch. I call it unique.

Being an only child, I can say I was definitely catered to. At the same time I was faced with many a challenge that allowed me to see the world did not revolve around me.

Often, I enjoy being catered to and extensively having my needs met.

However, when I dig deep… my mean, selfish, spoiled, bitchy, annoying self is actually… determined, persistent, goal-oriented, loyal, a good friend, and a hard lover. I put my all into people around me and the things I do.

When I dig deep and look at myself reflectively, I am reminded that who I am is all about perspective.

Dig deep on your perspective.

I Love You…

life, marriage, relationships

Those three words are said every day, many times, and in many different languages.

But WHAT IS LOVE? Is it actions, feelings or emotions, thoughts, or words? Is it all of those things rolled into one? How do you show it? How does it feel? What does it look like? Can it last forever? Can you fall in love and out of love…with the same person or people? How long does it take to love someone?

It’s been said that our parents are the first demonstrators of love to us. What happens when you don’t know your parents or don’t like your parents? Can you still love without parental “example”?

People have spent a life time searching for love. When you think you’ve found it in another person, life blooms for you. Then, as people do, they disappoint you. Does that mean they don’t love you? When trials happen in relationships, love is tested and questioned.

I believe love is something innate in us when we are formed in our mother’s wombs. The gift of life itself is love. How we show love in our thoughts, words, and actions and how we receive love greatly depends on our experiences.

“Love is an unconditional commitment, to an imperfect person.” Unknown

Whenever I think about love and the people I love, I try to embrace this verse:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Because I love and am loved, I commit to always hoping and persevering.

Signed,

Hopeful Romantic

NOTE: Featured photograph not my own

Health Check

life,

On April 1, 2014 I went to the doctor to get a bump on my jaw checked out. My doctor noticed my thyroid was enlarged. She ordered an ultrasound of both my thyroid and the bump on my jaw. When I got the results of that back, I learned I had a tumor on my left thyroid AND a tumor on my right parotid gland (jaw). I then had to undergo an MRI and a fine needle biopsy. I had to start seeing an endocrinologist (I saw 4 before I found “the right one”) too. Every doctor was convinced I needed surgery. I didn’t want to do that, but reluctantly scheduled surgery for June 2014.

In the meantime I decided to change my lifestyle, in the hopes these tumors would go away holistically. In May, I stopped eating meat and began an exercise program. At the very least, I’d be in better shape for surgery. 5 days before my surgery, my grandmother (who helped raise me) was killed in a tragic car accident. Surgery was cancelled, and I had a chance to re-evaluate my situation. Once I regrouped, I decided to see a holistic specialist. She gave me a long list of herbs and vitamins to try but ultimately was no help.

At this point (August) I visited the 3rd endocrinologist and the recommendation was surgery yet again. I continued to work out and maintain my diet. I was seeing some small results. After having 3 children in 4 years my body was having a difficult time getting back into shape quickly. In November, I saw the last endocrin doctor, and she agreed to monitor the tumors and allow me to wait on surgery. She ordered another ultrasound (it had been 6 months since my first one). The report showed the tumors had grown. So now surgery was not optional.

April 1, 2015 I got both tumors removed. Both were begin. I am recovering nicely and have gone back to work. I’ve lost a lot of weight. My hair (that had broken off and fallen out) has begun to grow back. I have more energy. I feel better. I didn’t notice the signs that my body was trying to give me. My thyroid function was showing up normal on every test, so I wasn’t very concerned. Even though, I tried to avoid surgery…I’m really glad I went through with it and my body thanks me for it.

I’m nowhere near an advocate for thyroid health, but I am all for paying attention to and taking care of your body. Whatever, you’ve been putting off regarding your health…stop and pay attention to it — your body will thank you!

at the end of the rainbow

life,

Everyone’s always heard that at the end of a rainbow you’ll find a pot of gold, right?

Well, the things I’ve experienced lately prompted me to think about “the end of the rainbow.” Sure, if the rainbow is the ROYGBIV type then I imagine there very well could be a pot of gold and leprechauns at the end. But what’s at the end or over, when the storm before the rainbow is a problem, trial, difficult time, or goal you’ve been trying to reach?

I’ve been in a very trying space lately. When one thing went wrong, everything else went right along with it. Sure, there was plenty of good along the way, but it’s hard to appreciate the good when the bad weighs so heavy. This time was so consuming I lost the fervor for what I love most — writing. I wasn’t in the mindset to write clearly…that felt debilitating to me. While going through, I saw this time as a hurdle that I knew I would get over but just didn’t know when. Not knowing was most frustrating.

Today, looking beyond that moment, the skies ahead are finally clearing, the sun is peeking out, and I can see a rainbow. I can even get a glimpse of the end of the rainbow. At the end of my rainbow is not a pot of gold, in the literal sense. At the of my rainbow and over the rainbow is peace, happiness, joy, and love — truly “golden” treasures.

So I guess you do find a “pot of gold” at the end of a rainbow after all.

Super(wo)man

life, relationships, ,

“It’s a bird.” “It’s a plane.” It’s Superman…no…wait…that’s a woman?!??!

Our society has been hit by an epidemic…. The Superwoman complex. Women do it all. We bear children, care for those children, care for our homes and our men, and contribute financially to our family. Oh and we do all of that while maintaining our own selves (eating healthy, working out, looking presentable). These things have become the norm for women, it’s what expected. Even though doing all of those things are a lot and simply can be overwhelming, those things alone don’t make us superwomen.

The superwoman complex is when we do all of what’s “expected” and the things a man should be doing. That life looks like this: taking out the trash, fixing the broken things around the house, maintaining the car, tooting our own horn, giving ourselves affirmations and accolades- while being a mother, being a wife, working, and keeping ourselves up.

I’m not saying that women can’t do all of these things but we shouldn’t be. I was raised by a woman who did it all, by herself, because she had to. In those situations, we just have to do what we have to do. However, I am a firm believer in roles. In situations where roles apply – Men: Step up. Lend a helping hand. Give support where needed. Do the things you do best. Let your lady be a lady. Your efforts will be greatly appreciated. Ladies: Release control. Let your man be the man. Take a step back and allow yourself to be treated like a lady. I am definitely wearing the entire Superwoman costume right now, cape included, but I’m so ready to shed and share the load.

Ladies we can wear an “S” on our chest but it can mean much more than Superwoman (super supportive, sensational, sweet, sultry…just to name a few).

The Beginning of the End: One Year Ago

motherhood, , , ,

February 12, 2014

I brought my baby home after 53 days in the hospital. It was the most joyous moment in our relationship, even more joyous than her actual birth. My baby was home; here was my chance to be a mother for the 3rd time.  

April 2013

As I sat there and stared at the 2 pink lines, all I could feel was gloom and doom. How could this have happened, again, for the third time in three years? I am angry. I am resentful towards my husband. I am scared. How long can I keep this pregnancy a secret?

December 21, 2013 11:49 AM

She is here. She is gorgeous, and precious, and all that a baby can possibly be – simply perfect. I am hit with instantaneous feelings of joy, happiness, and love. I feel truly blessed to be a mother again, especially to a baby as sweet she is.

The moment she is whisked off to the NICU, I am saddled with guilt and shame. How could I have ever thought of terminating my pregnancy? What kind of mother plots to keep their pregnancy a secret? Why didn’t I make an effort to connect with her in utero? What made me so angry throughout this pregnancy? That moment was the beginning of my journey with Postpartum Depression.

Throughout this pregnancy I felt different. I was angry, irritable, and restless. I was unhappy about the pregnancy. I was not excited to share the “good news” with friends or family. I yelled at my other children for every little thing, all – the – time. I had little patience with my husband. I was unmotivated at work. I just wanted to sleep most days. Other days I stayed awake for the entire 24 hours. I should have immediately recognized the signs of depression and mania with my history of mental illness; however I attributed my feelings to the usual pregnancy emotions.

When I began to experience the post-partum feelings of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, I knew that I was not having a normal perinatal experience, and that I had not had a normal pregnancy either. I had been on an emotional roller coaster for nearly a year, and I simply wanted the ride to be over. I searched for help. I found the right combination of help. My help still helps me today.  I’m currently a work in progress. Even though things are drastically better, I still have a long way to go. One thing I am sure of…February 12, 2014 was a major life moment I will remember forever.

Today, baby number three brings me great joy, and adds a dynamic to our family that is irreplaceable. She is healthy and happy. Her spirit is kind and gentle. Her smile and laugh are bright. She is intuitive and sensitive. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Through all the pain now I can experience joy.

For more information about Postpartum Depression visit http://postpartum.net/Default.aspx

Checked Out.

life, relationships,

You’ve given everything your all, and you can’t give anymore because then you’d be giving away bits and pieces of yourself. Have you ever reached that moment? It’s a very dangerous place to be in. When you just don’t care simply because you can’t care. There is hope that you can bounce back from these moments and be checked in again, but I’m sure it comes with loads of hard work and dedication. When you consider the reasons you checked out in the first place, you feel reluctant to check in again.

This moment is to be alone. Alone with your thoughts. Alone with the very fibers that make you who you are. You look at yourself, your needs, and your wants under a microscope. You re-evaluate the negoatiables and non-negotiables in your life. What will you deal with? What won’t you?

This moment is to be refreshed. Refresh your mind. Refresh you spirit. Refresh your soul. Find and do what makes YOU happy, because this moment is to be selfish. Do the things that make you whole again, because this moment is also to be broken. Broken hearted. Broken minded. Broken spirited.

I am here, in this moment. I am all of these things.

Dream BIG…

life, ,

…It’s the key to success (after you turn it into a reality). I’ve always dreamed of writing. I would go as far to say, I was born to write. Even though writing is a big dream of mine, I’m a girl of many passions and many BIG dreams. My issue with dreamers though, is that often times the dream is just that…a dream. When I began teaching 10 years ago, I was a part of a very strategic teaching organization that was hefty on goal setting and achieving. They didn’t just make us create goals, they made us create action plans to accompany them. At first, I thought, “wow this is so much work!”  Retrospectively, mapping out how to achieve the goals we set as teachers was brilliant! At the end of the school year we looked at data that either showed how we met or didn’t meet the goal. Having the action plan served as a key component to explain why we did or didn’t meet our goals.

Fast forward a few years, applying the same technique to my personal life seems like a good idea. Lately, I’ve started to write my dreams down with an accompanying action plan. I wish that someone would’ve taught me to apply action planning to my personal life years ago (maybe some of dreams would’ve come true a long time ago, lol). From here on out when I engage in goal setting, I will always include an action plan.

Don’t just Dream BIG. Put a plan of action into place and actually see your dreams come true.

EXAMPLE (not my actual goal):

Goal: Lose 20 pounds in 6 months

Action Plan:

1. Workout 5 days a week/minimum 30 minutes

2. Include cardio, strength training, and stretch training

3. Eat 6 meals a day (3 full, 3 snacks)

4. Go meatless at least 1 day a week

5. Go raw at least 1 day a week

6. No food after 7pm

7.  Follow a calorie planner

8. Record monthly progress

9. Take pride in the small steps 🙂

Let’s Be Friends

relationships, ,

Let your friends be the friends of your deliberate choice. This speaks volumes to me. I have been reflecting on relationships (mainly friendships) over the past few weeks. It’s fascinating to see how my friendships have evolved over time. Some have withstood many years and others have come and gone. As I was reflecting, I began to wonder “What is a friend?” “What does friend really mean to me?” Webster defines friend as “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.” People in a friendship was defined as “people in a relationship (the state of being connected).” After reading those definitions, I started to wonder about the type of connection I have to people, especially those I consider my friends.

When I watch my young children “make friends” it seems so simple. They go up to another kid at the park, ask their name, and start playing. They’ve made a connection, and they share a mutual affection over the slide or the sandbox. Often times my children have offered their new friend a snack or invited them to play with their toys. It makes me proud that they have the social skills and boldness to meet new people. Fast forward to adulthood – meeting new people is a task that stays on the horizon. However turning those people into friends is another ballgame. As adults we are a part of many different circles — work, sports, social clubs, religious organizations, and the circles of our friends/acquaintances/colleagues/and family. The net is cast wide to meet new people and make friends. So how do we build lasting connections?

Putting my own friendships under the microscope… I can say the basis of our friendship is the connection we’ve made over a number of things (childhood, family, likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc). The tricky part is staying connected and maintaining the mutual bond. There are two key ways to maintain a friendship, in my opinion:

1.  I firmly believe in any type of relationship, you get what you give. Relationships are a 2-way street. If one person is putting in all of the work (checking-in, making sacrifices, suggesting plans to hang out) and the other person never does that or always fails to respond — that is not maintaining a mutual bond. I have friends that live near and far. I think it’s important that we keep in touch, however, I shouldn’t be the friend putting in all of the effort and vice versa. Human nature causes us to feel wanted or even flattered when people close to us make efforts to connect with us. If we keep that in mind, our friendships can stand the test of time.

2. Once we’ve mastered maintaining the mutual bond, we have to practice keeping the connection. Relationships are built on attraction. There was some characteristic you found and you liked in the people you have in your circle. We must always remember that when maintaining connections to our friends. I appreciate being the friend that my friends can talk to and come to whenever they are in need (knowing that I will help them out). I am drawn to people who are loyal, honest, and willing to make sacrifices when I’m in a place of need. When I consider my friends and how to keep our relationship going, I have to remember the qualities in them that I first connected with.

I can say that the friends who make up my circle now, are definitely here by my deliberate choice. Even though we have ups and downs, I know that because of our connection and mutual bond, our friendships will stand the test of time.

What kind of connections are you making with the friends in your circle?