Category Archives: motherhood

The Beginning of the End: One Year Ago

February 12, 2014

I brought my baby home after 53 days in the hospital. It was the most joyous moment in our relationship, even more joyous than her actual birth. My baby was home; here was my chance to be a mother for the 3rd time.  

April 2013

As I sat there and stared at the 2 pink lines, all I could feel was gloom and doom. How could this have happened, again, for the third time in three years? I am angry. I am resentful towards my husband. I am scared. How long can I keep this pregnancy a secret?

December 21, 2013 11:49 AM

She is here. She is gorgeous, and precious, and all that a baby can possibly be – simply perfect. I am hit with instantaneous feelings of joy, happiness, and love. I feel truly blessed to be a mother again, especially to a baby as sweet she is.

The moment she is whisked off to the NICU, I am saddled with guilt and shame. How could I have ever thought of terminating my pregnancy? What kind of mother plots to keep their pregnancy a secret? Why didn’t I make an effort to connect with her in utero? What made me so angry throughout this pregnancy? That moment was the beginning of my journey with Postpartum Depression.

Throughout this pregnancy I felt different. I was angry, irritable, and restless. I was unhappy about the pregnancy. I was not excited to share the “good news” with friends or family. I yelled at my other children for every little thing, all – the – time. I had little patience with my husband. I was unmotivated at work. I just wanted to sleep most days. Other days I stayed awake for the entire 24 hours. I should have immediately recognized the signs of depression and mania with my history of mental illness; however I attributed my feelings to the usual pregnancy emotions.

When I began to experience the post-partum feelings of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, I knew that I was not having a normal perinatal experience, and that I had not had a normal pregnancy either. I had been on an emotional roller coaster for nearly a year, and I simply wanted the ride to be over. I searched for help. I found the right combination of help. My help still helps me today.  I’m currently a work in progress. Even though things are drastically better, I still have a long way to go. One thing I am sure of…February 12, 2014 was a major life moment I will remember forever.

Today, baby number three brings me great joy, and adds a dynamic to our family that is irreplaceable. She is healthy and happy. Her spirit is kind and gentle. Her smile and laugh are bright. She is intuitive and sensitive. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Through all the pain now I can experience joy.

For more information about Postpartum Depression visit

Just Send Me a Postcard Already

So. Over. Winter.

We’ve only been in the Winter season officially for 2 weeks. 2 weeks! That’s it. Yes, I’m already over it. Maybe my disdain for this season has a little something to do with my day.

I was totally prepared for the frigid cold temperature this morning. I made sure to lay out heavy coats, hats, gloves, and scarves. I even thought ahead…I went to start the car and get it warmed (mostly so I wouldn’t have to deal with kiddie complaints of a cold car). I took the house key off the ring, and went out to start the car. Goal accomplished: Complaints were non-existent as we drove to daycare (yay mommie).

Fast forward 10 hours. Everyone told me about the fantastic day they’ve had on the ride home. Moods were pleasant. I was happy.

At home. As I attempted to unlock the door, I realized the house key was missing. Insert frustration and anxiety. Rewinding the day, I remembered I took the key off the ring to start the car.

I left 1 Jelly and the Bean at the door, while I ran (as fast as I could over the snow and ice) to get the key from the car (all while holding Jelly 2, my purse, and my teacher bag). Got to the car. No key. Insert expletives. As my fingers began to burn and baby Jelly’s nose started to run, I thought “Oh crap” I need to get the others. It was disrespectfully frigid outside. During the 15 minutes it took to rummage through the car, I decided that I’m totally over Winter. I think Bean is too. He asked if God could bring back summer. We finally found the key and went in the house to defrost.

With all of the school non-closings in my area and accident reports as a result, I just think Winter looks better on a postcard. As a child growing up in Atlanta, I dreamed of snow days and winter white holidays. It was my dream to make snow angels, build a snowman, and have snow ball fights. Some of those dreams became a reality. However, it wasn’t until I moved to the northern East Coast that I really became acquainted with snow. The first few Winters here, I made snow angels and had snow ball fights. After falling and spraining my neck, slipping and bruising my tailbone, and shoveling my car from underneath mounds of snow — I can say the dream of blissful snow days has faded. The idea of staying home on a snow day sounds fun, but the reality of all that has to take place after the snow day negates the fun. Seriously, I’d rather “experience” Winter on a postcard.

I know we have many more weeks to deal with this whole Winter thing, all I can do is hope for the best. Good luck to all of you dealing with Winter too!

Sshhh, it’s quiet…

…Said no mother ever! In a home with children (I’m convinced of any age) there is ALWAYS noise. Before I had children I’d like to believe my hearing was pristine. Insert nearly 5 years, and hello hearing aides (not literally but at this rate, who knows what the future holds). I love my 3 children dearly. They are all unique and have something both simple and complex to bring to the family table. However, spending every waking moment with them over the last 2 weeks of winter break has been a test that I clearly did not study for. This test mostly consisted of days of fighting, whining, crying, and begging with a few minutes of laughter, smiling, singing, and gratitude. You’d think with my 10 years of teaching experience, I’d be used to all that encompasses childhood drama, BUT it’s something very different when it comes to your own children. It’s like they were born knowing the exact cord to pick to strum your guitar.

Today marks the last day of our precious extended mommy and kid time together (until Spring Break). While most teachers are dreading the wake up call back to reality tomorrow; I couldn’t be happier about returning to work. I’ve gained some true pearls of wisdom during this time. Most importantly, I am NOT cut out to be a stay-at-home-mom. No offense to SAHM’s — you have entered into a new level of awesomeness in my book! I’ve also learned that I do not want to add anymore children to our family (I don’t even want a pet right now). Thankfully, my husband made that a permanent solution a few months ago. However, if there was any doubt that we weren’t finished yet…now we are. Lastly, I’ve realized that this stage in my children’s life is by far the most precious. Even in midst of the noise, I will attempt to cherish every moment.

P.S. As I wrote this post I fed the kids breakfast, changed a diaper, and patched up a boo-boo all to the background noise of crying, fighting, and screaming. I’m reveling in the joys of motherhood!