The Beginning of the End: One Year Ago

February 12, 2014

I brought my baby home after 53 days in the hospital. It was the most joyous moment in our relationship, even more joyous than her actual birth. My baby was home; here was my chance to be a mother for the 3rd time.  

April 2013

As I sat there and stared at the 2 pink lines, all I could feel was gloom and doom. How could this have happened, again, for the third time in three years? I am angry. I am resentful towards my husband. I am scared. How long can I keep this pregnancy a secret?

December 21, 2013 11:49 AM

She is here. She is gorgeous, and precious, and all that a baby can possibly be – simply perfect. I am hit with instantaneous feelings of joy, happiness, and love. I feel truly blessed to be a mother again, especially to a baby as sweet she is.

The moment she is whisked off to the NICU, I am saddled with guilt and shame. How could I have ever thought of terminating my pregnancy? What kind of mother plots to keep their pregnancy a secret? Why didn’t I make an effort to connect with her in utero? What made me so angry throughout this pregnancy? That moment was the beginning of my journey with Postpartum Depression.

Throughout this pregnancy I felt different. I was angry, irritable, and restless. I was unhappy about the pregnancy. I was not excited to share the “good news” with friends or family. I yelled at my other children for every little thing, all – the – time. I had little patience with my husband. I was unmotivated at work. I just wanted to sleep most days. Other days I stayed awake for the entire 24 hours. I should have immediately recognized the signs of depression and mania with my history of mental illness; however I attributed my feelings to the usual pregnancy emotions.

When I began to experience the post-partum feelings of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, I knew that I was not having a normal perinatal experience, and that I had not had a normal pregnancy either. I had been on an emotional roller coaster for nearly a year, and I simply wanted the ride to be over. I searched for help. I found the right combination of help. My help still helps me today.  I’m currently a work in progress. Even though things are drastically better, I still have a long way to go. One thing I am sure of…February 12, 2014 was a major life moment I will remember forever.

Today, baby number three brings me great joy, and adds a dynamic to our family that is irreplaceable. She is healthy and happy. Her spirit is kind and gentle. Her smile and laugh are bright. She is intuitive and sensitive. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Through all the pain now I can experience joy.

For more information about Postpartum Depression visit http://postpartum.net/Default.aspx

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