Category Archives: Uncategorized

Anxiety Takes Flight

Uncategorized

Stomach tight. In knots. Literally doing flips.

Mind racing. All the what-ifs. All the bad.

Heart beating a thousand miles a minute.

•••••••••••••••••••••

Me. This is me.

It creeps up when I least expect it. For the past 6 years it’s appeared most consistently right before I travel. By travel I mean, anywhere from reporting to work everyday to lavish all-inclusive vacations across the world.

I hate it. It makes me feel inferior, incomponent, weak, broken. Why? Why can’t I just be normal. Who doesn’t enjoy some alone town out on the town or a beach vacay with Bae? Not that I don’t enjoy it, but the process to get there is so mentally and physically draining — it’s exhusting.

Yes, I make lists. Following the advice of my therapist, I make the lists. I check it twice. My brain still tricks me into thinking about all the possible naughty, and none of the nice. {Even though I’m anxiety ridden, I’m still a human and just a tad humorous}. However, I can’t even find the joy in that.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Practicing all of my Dirga Swasam Pranayama, also known as the Three Part Breath. Now, I’m a little more calm. I picture myself on the beach, sun tanned.

I think I just saved myself from a panic attack.

Love.

Uncategorized

I just want to be loved. Yes, I love myself; I think I’m fucking fly! I can still pull the attention of dudes. My friends think I complete our circle of baddies. But, I just want to be loved.

I want to be told it’s ok if after 3 children my stomach is a little pudgy and soft. I want to be assured that “Damn, you look good” when I put on that little black dress for date night. I want to be kissed. I want to be touched. I want my hair to be played in.

It’s missing. It’s missing from the one person I want to give it to me most. Summer Walker “Girls Need Love” keeps playing on repeat in my head. And, “Honesty, I’m trying to stay focused.”

Journey

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jour·ney

[ˈjərnē]

NOUN

  1. an act of traveling from one place to another:

VERB

  1. travel somewhere:

ORIGIN

Middle English: from Old French jornee ‘day, a day’s travel, a day’s work’ (the earliest senses in English), based on Latin diurnum ‘daily portion,’ from diurnus (see diurnal).
*Definition taken from Oxford Dictionaries · © Oxford University Press
As the end of this year ends and a new year begins, people often reflect. We hear about new plans, resolutions, changes that people desire to make to enhance their lives.
When I think about this time and about my life, I think of my journey. Over the past two years I have experienced some very rough patches in my life — with my mental health, in my marriage, in my family. I have dealt with depression; anxiety; thyroid tumor and surgery; weight gain; trust, loyalty, love; and death. I started personal cognitive therapy, medication, and couple’s therapy. This time last year, I couldn’t see past the moment. There were times when I wanted to give in and give up. I thought my marriage was going to end. I thought my life was going to end.
After a year of therapy I have gained knowledge, peace, and clarity. The moral of the story here is to never give up…on yourself.

Life.

Uncategorized

There is more to life than life itself. You don’t really live until you die. It is at that moment you are FREE…from pain, hurt, suffering, oppression, regression. Because, how can you live being weighted down with stuff? So, your agenda, your platform, your movement, what does it all really matter? What happens on this Earth supersedes our time in this life. What matters most is your personal journey to life beyond this Earth. 

Throwing Stones

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Wrong is wrong, yes we all know that. But  who are WE, mere mortals who have all fallen short in sin. This society constantly slays its opinions as if in some sort of d*ck measuring contest…Who can spur the best opinion? Who can get the most likes or re-tweets of their thoughts. We all make mistakes. There is no judge, to me, other than God. 

I say judge not lest you be judged.

There is NONE like you

life, Uncategorized

We are born into this world alone and will depart from it alone. There is none like you. We are created uniquely and with reason. No one is going to love you – like you or care about your best interest – like you. This was a hard lesson for me to learn (at times I might say still learning). When I face tough times or am celebrating success, there is no one who is in my corner like myself. Yes, I have a support system, a strong one. However, personal failure or achievement is so internal. I set goals for myself constantly. I am in perpetual competition with myself. When I conquer my goals I am ecstatic. When I fail, I’m disappointed. While my supports can lend a listening ear, shoulder to cry, or word of advice – there is nothing like the internal dialogue that happens with myself. I’ve always heard, “zero expectations lead to zero disappointments.” I get it. When that becomes a motto I live by, my relationships with others will become richer; my expectations of them lower – allowing me to deal with people at face value and understand that they can’t be in my corner like me. It’s a difficult concept to internalize, because human nature craves partnerships where all parties approve, pacify.

In reality, there is none like you.

Sorry, not sorry

life, relationships, Uncategorized

From the perspective of the human mind and the limiting capabilities of people, “I’m sorry” can be so cliche.

I’m sorry does not take back the words you said.

I’m sorry does not heal the bruises.

I’m sorry does not mend the mind.

I’m sorry does not make the mistakes go away…even when you repeat them.

I’m sorry merely acknowledges the hurt caused by actions you CHOSE.

Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” —

live with integrity, choose positives actions from the start, stray from those things that will make you feel the need to say “I’m sorry.”