Category Archives: life

A Letter to My Children

children, family, life

To my beautiful brown children:

I love you. 

From the moment I saw the two pink lines, I have loved you. Watching you grow, has given joy. Protecting you, has given me purpose. You are my world. I want the world for you and your children and your children’s children. 

My prayer, my wish, my hope is that this world sustains itself long enough for you to fulfill your dreams and desires. I am sorry for the people who judge you based on the color of your skin. I am sorry for the people who mistreat you because of your background and ethnicity. 

I know you are wonderfully made. I know you are intelligent. I know you have a purpose. I believe in you. 

Don’t ever forget that your mommy and daddy are always in your corner…no matter us near or far or gone forever from this earth. 

You are our beautiful brown children. We love you. 

Acceptance

life, marriage, relationships

Thinking back to a time, not so long ago, where I longed to be accepted…

I wanted to fit in, be liked, be loved. I would do almost anything to feel like I belonged. This behavior was mostly displayed in relationships with men (or boys) but it sometimes spilled over into “friendships.” I remember always being jealous of my friends’ friends and wondering what people thought about me and why. This mind-set single-handedly ruined my relationships. I came off as clingy and needy. After several failed relationships and some strained friendships, I figured out maybe it was me. The moment of realization was most apparent when these behaviors started to wreck my relationship with my husband, my best friend. Arguments and interrogation became the norm for us…it created some dangerous tension in our house. We went to therapy, we planned exotic date nights, but the real fix was when I took at look at myself.

I had to ask …why was I concerned with external things that really didn’t matter?

I had to tell myself…my marriage and my friendships weren’t going anywhere. These relationships are with the people that care; these are the people that have been there for me and will be there in the future. The bonds created between my husband and I and my friends and I are strong. I am valuable, what I bring to the table is absolutely worth it to those seated at the table with me.

This realization, has really helped me know who I am in my marriage, friendships, and professionally. Sometimes, people might even say I come off with an IDGAF attitude…it’s true! Not because I’m mean or calloused, but because I truly don’t give a f*ck about the externals — what people think, say, or how people feel. I know my worth and the value that I add to the relationships and situations that matter to me most. I feel good about that. I now come with zero apologies and no filter.

Finally Free.

Adulting

life

The older I get the more I realize, Adulting is real shit! 

As a mother of 3, wife (of 1…lol), worker outside of the home, entrepreneur, friend, daughter, and the list goes on – I have so much responsibility. I welcome it with open arms. 

I’m at a point in my life where I just appreciate grown folks who are grown folks… People that just get shit done. I’m less a fan of grown folks with child-like levels of responsibility. If you are a parent – be great at parenting. If you are a socialite – be great at socialiting. If you’re a bum – be great at that. Don’t however, put off your responsibilities on others. Know what it is you’re good at and do it. Understand what you contribute to the greater good and give that. When you reach 30 and beyond…give up the helpless act and just…Adult. The. Fuck. Up. 

Spidey Sense

life, relationships

A woman’s intuition…is it a gift or a curse?

It feels good to know things before they become known. In a way it prepares you, kind of like soliders going into battle – they know the enemy well enough to create a defense strategy but don’t quite know the logistics of the fight.

On the other hand, you brace yourself for what’s coming like you do when you see a car in your rear view preparing to rear-end you. Tensing up in that situation causes more hurt to your body than just simply being oblivious.

Call it strong willed, a gift, a curse, or genetics…when I get a sixth sense, I get it. Evidence supporting my internal claim ALWAYS falls into my lap. My disapproval for biting my tongue just won’t let me keep quiet.

When one experiences the fall out (for lack of a better term) of this sixth sense, my hope is that they learn the lesson that comes along…

Be it to you a gift or a curse, I appreciate my spidey sense for all that it’s worth.

There is NONE like you

life, Uncategorized

We are born into this world alone and will depart from it alone. There is none like you. We are created uniquely and with reason. No one is going to love you – like you or care about your best interest – like you. This was a hard lesson for me to learn (at times I might say still learning). When I face tough times or am celebrating success, there is no one who is in my corner like myself. Yes, I have a support system, a strong one. However, personal failure or achievement is so internal. I set goals for myself constantly. I am in perpetual competition with myself. When I conquer my goals I am ecstatic. When I fail, I’m disappointed. While my supports can lend a listening ear, shoulder to cry, or word of advice – there is nothing like the internal dialogue that happens with myself. I’ve always heard, “zero expectations lead to zero disappointments.” I get it. When that becomes a motto I live by, my relationships with others will become richer; my expectations of them lower – allowing me to deal with people at face value and understand that they can’t be in my corner like me. It’s a difficult concept to internalize, because human nature craves partnerships where all parties approve, pacify.

In reality, there is none like you.

Sorry, not sorry

life, relationships, Uncategorized

From the perspective of the human mind and the limiting capabilities of people, “I’m sorry” can be so cliche.

I’m sorry does not take back the words you said.

I’m sorry does not heal the bruises.

I’m sorry does not mend the mind.

I’m sorry does not make the mistakes go away…even when you repeat them.

I’m sorry merely acknowledges the hurt caused by actions you CHOSE.

Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” —

live with integrity, choose positives actions from the start, stray from those things that will make you feel the need to say “I’m sorry.”

Dig Deep on Perspective

life

I’m mean. I’m selfish. I can be crass. I sometimes find pleasure in getting under people’s skin. I pressure people. I want what I want when I want it. Some might call me spoiled. Others might call me a bitch. I call it unique.

Being an only child, I can say I was definitely catered to. At the same time I was faced with many a challenge that allowed me to see the world did not revolve around me.

Often, I enjoy being catered to and extensively having my needs met.

However, when I dig deep… my mean, selfish, spoiled, bitchy, annoying self is actually… determined, persistent, goal-oriented, loyal, a good friend, and a hard lover. I put my all into people around me and the things I do.

When I dig deep and look at myself reflectively, I am reminded that who I am is all about perspective.

Dig deep on your perspective.

I Love You…

life, marriage, relationships

Those three words are said every day, many times, and in many different languages.

But WHAT IS LOVE? Is it actions, feelings or emotions, thoughts, or words? Is it all of those things rolled into one? How do you show it? How does it feel? What does it look like? Can it last forever? Can you fall in love and out of love…with the same person or people? How long does it take to love someone?

It’s been said that our parents are the first demonstrators of love to us. What happens when you don’t know your parents or don’t like your parents? Can you still love without parental “example”?

People have spent a life time searching for love. When you think you’ve found it in another person, life blooms for you. Then, as people do, they disappoint you. Does that mean they don’t love you? When trials happen in relationships, love is tested and questioned.

I believe love is something innate in us when we are formed in our mother’s wombs. The gift of life itself is love. How we show love in our thoughts, words, and actions and how we receive love greatly depends on our experiences.

“Love is an unconditional commitment, to an imperfect person.” Unknown

Whenever I think about love and the people I love, I try to embrace this verse:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Because I love and am loved, I commit to always hoping and persevering.

Signed,

Hopeful Romantic

NOTE: Featured photograph not my own

Health Check

life,

On April 1, 2014 I went to the doctor to get a bump on my jaw checked out. My doctor noticed my thyroid was enlarged. She ordered an ultrasound of both my thyroid and the bump on my jaw. When I got the results of that back, I learned I had a tumor on my left thyroid AND a tumor on my right parotid gland (jaw). I then had to undergo an MRI and a fine needle biopsy. I had to start seeing an endocrinologist (I saw 4 before I found “the right one”) too. Every doctor was convinced I needed surgery. I didn’t want to do that, but reluctantly scheduled surgery for June 2014.

In the meantime I decided to change my lifestyle, in the hopes these tumors would go away holistically. In May, I stopped eating meat and began an exercise program. At the very least, I’d be in better shape for surgery. 5 days before my surgery, my grandmother (who helped raise me) was killed in a tragic car accident. Surgery was cancelled, and I had a chance to re-evaluate my situation. Once I regrouped, I decided to see a holistic specialist. She gave me a long list of herbs and vitamins to try but ultimately was no help.

At this point (August) I visited the 3rd endocrinologist and the recommendation was surgery yet again. I continued to work out and maintain my diet. I was seeing some small results. After having 3 children in 4 years my body was having a difficult time getting back into shape quickly. In November, I saw the last endocrin doctor, and she agreed to monitor the tumors and allow me to wait on surgery. She ordered another ultrasound (it had been 6 months since my first one). The report showed the tumors had grown. So now surgery was not optional.

April 1, 2015 I got both tumors removed. Both were begin. I am recovering nicely and have gone back to work. I’ve lost a lot of weight. My hair (that had broken off and fallen out) has begun to grow back. I have more energy. I feel better. I didn’t notice the signs that my body was trying to give me. My thyroid function was showing up normal on every test, so I wasn’t very concerned. Even though, I tried to avoid surgery…I’m really glad I went through with it and my body thanks me for it.

I’m nowhere near an advocate for thyroid health, but I am all for paying attention to and taking care of your body. Whatever, you’ve been putting off regarding your health…stop and pay attention to it — your body will thank you!

at the end of the rainbow

life,

Everyone’s always heard that at the end of a rainbow you’ll find a pot of gold, right?

Well, the things I’ve experienced lately prompted me to think about “the end of the rainbow.” Sure, if the rainbow is the ROYGBIV type then I imagine there very well could be a pot of gold and leprechauns at the end. But what’s at the end or over, when the storm before the rainbow is a problem, trial, difficult time, or goal you’ve been trying to reach?

I’ve been in a very trying space lately. When one thing went wrong, everything else went right along with it. Sure, there was plenty of good along the way, but it’s hard to appreciate the good when the bad weighs so heavy. This time was so consuming I lost the fervor for what I love most — writing. I wasn’t in the mindset to write clearly…that felt debilitating to me. While going through, I saw this time as a hurdle that I knew I would get over but just didn’t know when. Not knowing was most frustrating.

Today, looking beyond that moment, the skies ahead are finally clearing, the sun is peeking out, and I can see a rainbow. I can even get a glimpse of the end of the rainbow. At the end of my rainbow is not a pot of gold, in the literal sense. At the of my rainbow and over the rainbow is peace, happiness, joy, and love — truly “golden” treasures.

So I guess you do find a “pot of gold” at the end of a rainbow after all.