Category Archives: relationships

Acceptance

life, marriage, relationships

Thinking back to a time, not so long ago, where I longed to be accepted…

I wanted to fit in, be liked, be loved. I would do almost anything to feel like I belonged. This behavior was mostly displayed in relationships with men (or boys) but it sometimes spilled over into “friendships.” I remember always being jealous of my friends’ friends and wondering what people thought about me and why. This mind-set single-handedly ruined my relationships. I came off as clingy and needy. After several failed relationships and some strained friendships, I figured out maybe it was me. The moment of realization was most apparent when these behaviors started to wreck my relationship with my husband, my best friend. Arguments and interrogation became the norm for us…it created some dangerous tension in our house. We went to therapy, we planned exotic date nights, but the real fix was when I took at look at myself.

I had to ask …why was I concerned with external things that really didn’t matter?

I had to tell myself…my marriage and my friendships weren’t going anywhere. These relationships are with the people that care; these are the people that have been there for me and will be there in the future. The bonds created between my husband and I and my friends and I are strong. I am valuable, what I bring to the table is absolutely worth it to those seated at the table with me.

This realization, has really helped me know who I am in my marriage, friendships, and professionally. Sometimes, people might even say I come off with an IDGAF attitude…it’s true! Not because I’m mean or calloused, but because I truly don’t give a f*ck about the externals — what people think, say, or how people feel. I know my worth and the value that I add to the relationships and situations that matter to me most. I feel good about that. I now come with zero apologies and no filter.

Finally Free.

Spidey Sense

life, relationships

A woman’s intuition…is it a gift or a curse?

It feels good to know things before they become known. In a way it prepares you, kind of like soliders going into battle – they know the enemy well enough to create a defense strategy but don’t quite know the logistics of the fight.

On the other hand, you brace yourself for what’s coming like you do when you see a car in your rear view preparing to rear-end you. Tensing up in that situation causes more hurt to your body than just simply being oblivious.

Call it strong willed, a gift, a curse, or genetics…when I get a sixth sense, I get it. Evidence supporting my internal claim ALWAYS falls into my lap. My disapproval for biting my tongue just won’t let me keep quiet.

When one experiences the fall out (for lack of a better term) of this sixth sense, my hope is that they learn the lesson that comes along…

Be it to you a gift or a curse, I appreciate my spidey sense for all that it’s worth.

Sorry, not sorry

life, relationships, Uncategorized

From the perspective of the human mind and the limiting capabilities of people, “I’m sorry” can be so cliche.

I’m sorry does not take back the words you said.

I’m sorry does not heal the bruises.

I’m sorry does not mend the mind.

I’m sorry does not make the mistakes go away…even when you repeat them.

I’m sorry merely acknowledges the hurt caused by actions you CHOSE.

Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” —

live with integrity, choose positives actions from the start, stray from those things that will make you feel the need to say “I’m sorry.”

I Love You…

life, marriage, relationships

Those three words are said every day, many times, and in many different languages.

But WHAT IS LOVE? Is it actions, feelings or emotions, thoughts, or words? Is it all of those things rolled into one? How do you show it? How does it feel? What does it look like? Can it last forever? Can you fall in love and out of love…with the same person or people? How long does it take to love someone?

It’s been said that our parents are the first demonstrators of love to us. What happens when you don’t know your parents or don’t like your parents? Can you still love without parental “example”?

People have spent a life time searching for love. When you think you’ve found it in another person, life blooms for you. Then, as people do, they disappoint you. Does that mean they don’t love you? When trials happen in relationships, love is tested and questioned.

I believe love is something innate in us when we are formed in our mother’s wombs. The gift of life itself is love. How we show love in our thoughts, words, and actions and how we receive love greatly depends on our experiences.

“Love is an unconditional commitment, to an imperfect person.” Unknown

Whenever I think about love and the people I love, I try to embrace this verse:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Because I love and am loved, I commit to always hoping and persevering.

Signed,

Hopeful Romantic

NOTE: Featured photograph not my own

Super(wo)man

life, relationships, ,

“It’s a bird.” “It’s a plane.” It’s Superman…no…wait…that’s a woman?!??!

Our society has been hit by an epidemic…. The Superwoman complex. Women do it all. We bear children, care for those children, care for our homes and our men, and contribute financially to our family. Oh and we do all of that while maintaining our own selves (eating healthy, working out, looking presentable). These things have become the norm for women, it’s what expected. Even though doing all of those things are a lot and simply can be overwhelming, those things alone don’t make us superwomen.

The superwoman complex is when we do all of what’s “expected” and the things a man should be doing. That life looks like this: taking out the trash, fixing the broken things around the house, maintaining the car, tooting our own horn, giving ourselves affirmations and accolades- while being a mother, being a wife, working, and keeping ourselves up.

I’m not saying that women can’t do all of these things but we shouldn’t be. I was raised by a woman who did it all, by herself, because she had to. In those situations, we just have to do what we have to do. However, I am a firm believer in roles. In situations where roles apply – Men: Step up. Lend a helping hand. Give support where needed. Do the things you do best. Let your lady be a lady. Your efforts will be greatly appreciated. Ladies: Release control. Let your man be the man. Take a step back and allow yourself to be treated like a lady. I am definitely wearing the entire Superwoman costume right now, cape included, but I’m so ready to shed and share the load.

Ladies we can wear an “S” on our chest but it can mean much more than Superwoman (super supportive, sensational, sweet, sultry…just to name a few).

Checked Out.

life, relationships,

You’ve given everything your all, and you can’t give anymore because then you’d be giving away bits and pieces of yourself. Have you ever reached that moment? It’s a very dangerous place to be in. When you just don’t care simply because you can’t care. There is hope that you can bounce back from these moments and be checked in again, but I’m sure it comes with loads of hard work and dedication. When you consider the reasons you checked out in the first place, you feel reluctant to check in again.

This moment is to be alone. Alone with your thoughts. Alone with the very fibers that make you who you are. You look at yourself, your needs, and your wants under a microscope. You re-evaluate the negoatiables and non-negotiables in your life. What will you deal with? What won’t you?

This moment is to be refreshed. Refresh your mind. Refresh you spirit. Refresh your soul. Find and do what makes YOU happy, because this moment is to be selfish. Do the things that make you whole again, because this moment is also to be broken. Broken hearted. Broken minded. Broken spirited.

I am here, in this moment. I am all of these things.

Let’s Be Friends

relationships, ,

Let your friends be the friends of your deliberate choice. This speaks volumes to me. I have been reflecting on relationships (mainly friendships) over the past few weeks. It’s fascinating to see how my friendships have evolved over time. Some have withstood many years and others have come and gone. As I was reflecting, I began to wonder “What is a friend?” “What does friend really mean to me?” Webster defines friend as “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.” People in a friendship was defined as “people in a relationship (the state of being connected).” After reading those definitions, I started to wonder about the type of connection I have to people, especially those I consider my friends.

When I watch my young children “make friends” it seems so simple. They go up to another kid at the park, ask their name, and start playing. They’ve made a connection, and they share a mutual affection over the slide or the sandbox. Often times my children have offered their new friend a snack or invited them to play with their toys. It makes me proud that they have the social skills and boldness to meet new people. Fast forward to adulthood – meeting new people is a task that stays on the horizon. However turning those people into friends is another ballgame. As adults we are a part of many different circles — work, sports, social clubs, religious organizations, and the circles of our friends/acquaintances/colleagues/and family. The net is cast wide to meet new people and make friends. So how do we build lasting connections?

Putting my own friendships under the microscope… I can say the basis of our friendship is the connection we’ve made over a number of things (childhood, family, likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc). The tricky part is staying connected and maintaining the mutual bond. There are two key ways to maintain a friendship, in my opinion:

1.  I firmly believe in any type of relationship, you get what you give. Relationships are a 2-way street. If one person is putting in all of the work (checking-in, making sacrifices, suggesting plans to hang out) and the other person never does that or always fails to respond — that is not maintaining a mutual bond. I have friends that live near and far. I think it’s important that we keep in touch, however, I shouldn’t be the friend putting in all of the effort and vice versa. Human nature causes us to feel wanted or even flattered when people close to us make efforts to connect with us. If we keep that in mind, our friendships can stand the test of time.

2. Once we’ve mastered maintaining the mutual bond, we have to practice keeping the connection. Relationships are built on attraction. There was some characteristic you found and you liked in the people you have in your circle. We must always remember that when maintaining connections to our friends. I appreciate being the friend that my friends can talk to and come to whenever they are in need (knowing that I will help them out). I am drawn to people who are loyal, honest, and willing to make sacrifices when I’m in a place of need. When I consider my friends and how to keep our relationship going, I have to remember the qualities in them that I first connected with.

I can say that the friends who make up my circle now, are definitely here by my deliberate choice. Even though we have ups and downs, I know that because of our connection and mutual bond, our friendships will stand the test of time.

What kind of connections are you making with the friends in your circle?