Thinking back to a time, not so long ago, where I longed to be accepted…
I wanted to fit in, be liked, be loved. I would do almost anything to feel like I belonged. This behavior was mostly displayed in relationships with men (or boys) but it sometimes spilled over into “friendships.” I remember always being jealous of my friends’ friends and wondering what people thought about me and why. This mind-set single-handedly ruined my relationships. I came off as clingy and needy. After several failed relationships and some strained friendships, I figured out maybe it was me. The moment of realization was most apparent when these behaviors started to wreck my relationship with my husband, my best friend. Arguments and interrogation became the norm for us…it created some dangerous tension in our house. We went to therapy, we planned exotic date nights, but the real fix was when I took at look at myself.
I had to ask …why was I concerned with external things that really didn’t matter?
I had to tell myself…my marriage and my friendships weren’t going anywhere. These relationships are with the people that care; these are the people that have been there for me and will be there in the future. The bonds created between my husband and I and my friends and I are strong. I am valuable, what I bring to the table is absolutely worth it to those seated at the table with me.
This realization, has really helped me know who I am in my marriage, friendships, and professionally. Sometimes, people might even say I come off with an IDGAF attitude…it’s true! Not because I’m mean or calloused, but because I truly don’t give a f*ck about the externals — what people think, say, or how people feel. I know my worth and the value that I add to the relationships and situations that matter to me most. I feel good about that. I now come with zero apologies and no filter.